Sunday, February 20, 2011

"will you hold my head so I can sleep?" written the day my son was diagnosed - officially- with Autism

"will you hold my head so I can sleep ? "

generally big things happen when you don't see them coming. You start out your day like any other day until suddenly...
but some days you realize it as it is happening. Those are the weird days. The day that right upon waking you say " after today everything will be different forever"

the morning of your wedding day...the day you sign for your first house...the day you have your first baby....
you know that you are living a moment that will forever change you ...putting a mark in you that helps create a part of your actual being.
Typically these are happy momentous days , because, lets face it, we don't schedule in "bad" days, we don't carve out a few hours for some hurtful experience . not often anyway.

when you find yourself there it feels like an out of body experience. Like you're watching it happen to someone else, and your emotions aren't present, you're just reading something out of a book that is happening to someone else as you calmly turn a page, or mark your spot to get a drink of water

Had one of those today. For better or for worse. Saw it coming all morning
...knew that we'd get in the car, drive, and a few hours later come home ...different

it makes no sense. I knew why we were there, I knew what we would hear (probably)

and it really doesn't matter. I shouldn't matter. it won't matter.

nothing will change. everything will change.

i'd like 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fry MY SON HAS AUTISM and a small lemonade

and so it echoes in my head the one question I dared to ask that had the hardest answer

" and what would YOU do if you were told your child was autistic?"

" first,
I would cry. "

but I didn't cry.
I didn't cry
I don't cry
I won't cry
I am not crying

and don't think i didn't notice all the flags at half mass while we drove home

it's ok honey, i'll hold your head so you can sleep

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