"the shared palette" exhibit

http://www.onmilwaukee.com/family/articles/malachipaints.html

fast forward two years..
we're still painting! and Malachi has his first ever art exhibit! " the shared palette" is an exhibit featuring parents & their children's artwork. our art center here in town (The Windhover) is hosting this unique exhibit through March 9th 2012. This friday night (2-17-12) from 5-8 Malachi and I will be there during fond du lac's "tour the town" art walk.
I hope we get to see you there!

"reach for the stars" by Malachi & Nina Schmidt

2-4-12 Malachi is starting to understand how autism affects his life

Malachi does this thing where he slides his mattress over so he can sleep between it and the wall in like a crack space. I get it- it's a sensory thing where he wants to feel pressed in to relax. ..but it always bums me out because he ends up pushing the mattress off the bunk bed and it's either half hanging off the bed OR totally on the floor the next day and I have to try to shove it back on the bunk and then you know how you always bang your head when you are making up the lower bed of a bunk bed?
so I get cranky about it- and he knows it.
So last night he preemptively explains his sleeping arrangement before I can complain saying
" listen! I like to sleep differently! everyone's different! it's because of my Autism!"
Of course he can't pronounce that word so every time he brings it up it takes me about 5 times before I know what the heck he's trying to say.
Eventually I say " your AUTISM?!" and he says " YES!!! THAT'S why I like to sleep differently!"
He seems totally annoyed by my ignorance and says " DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT AUTISM?!"
I say " yes- i know about autism. I knew about that a long time ago actually.."
he's already covering his head up in his blanket cocoon and is obviously really sleepy
I say " you know- I don't mind that you have Autism"
from somewhere under the blanket he mumbles " Yes I know"
then I say " ..I think you're a cool kid"
" yes! I know! can't you see I need to sleep? I need my rest!!"

:)

afraid.

don't have children.

can you believe i just said that? my kids are my LIFE! they bring me endless endless joy and love and just incredible wonderful magicalness .. my kids bring me purpose and in many ways I'm indebted to them. I owe my kids more than they will ever owe me. I happily spend all my days repaying them for everything they have brought into my life.
Malachi in particular has helped me to become myself in more ways than almost anyone else in my life. Malachi made me brave.

I would not take back one. single. second.

and even with all that...
I say - don't do it. just don't . If you are lucky enough to find that one person whom your soul loves in this world. Hold on to that person. have a life with them and hold on tight and just stay together and brave this life.

And if you absolutely must have a small wonderful baby..oh please...go rescue one from somewhere where it is not wanted.


I know this sounds negative and horrible even..but no one tells you the truth about having children.
it's terrifying.
things go wrong.
they get sick. Not like sniffles- but really sick. Like terrifying you'd rip out your own organs to trade places with them kind of sick.
you try to protect them and you never truly can

today I talked to malachi's teacher about middle school...and adulthood...the phrase " group home" was uttered.
I lay awake at night and wonder who will take care of him. What happens if we die before him?

I know no one can predict anything. I understand that things will somehow work out. I know that he has a purpose in life and he's brought so much to everyone that knows him. I know all these things
I'm not asking advice
I'm not asking for someone to make me feel better

I'm just telling you
I'm terrified
and my heart is constantly breaking.

I don't know how to keep them all safe. And no one understands.