Thursday, February 2, 2012


don't have children.

can you believe i just said that? my kids are my LIFE! they bring me endless endless joy and love and just incredible wonderful magicalness .. my kids bring me purpose and in many ways I'm indebted to them. I owe my kids more than they will ever owe me. I happily spend all my days repaying them for everything they have brought into my life.
Malachi in particular has helped me to become myself in more ways than almost anyone else in my life. Malachi made me brave.

I would not take back one. single. second.

and even with all that...
I say - don't do it. just don't . If you are lucky enough to find that one person whom your soul loves in this world. Hold on to that person. have a life with them and hold on tight and just stay together and brave this life.

And if you absolutely must have a small wonderful baby..oh please...go rescue one from somewhere where it is not wanted.

I know this sounds negative and horrible even..but no one tells you the truth about having children.
it's terrifying.
things go wrong.
they get sick. Not like sniffles- but really sick. Like terrifying you'd rip out your own organs to trade places with them kind of sick.
you try to protect them and you never truly can

today I talked to malachi's teacher about middle school...and adulthood...the phrase " group home" was uttered.
I lay awake at night and wonder who will take care of him. What happens if we die before him?

I know no one can predict anything. I understand that things will somehow work out. I know that he has a purpose in life and he's brought so much to everyone that knows him. I know all these things
I'm not asking advice
I'm not asking for someone to make me feel better

I'm just telling you
I'm terrified
and my heart is constantly breaking.

I don't know how to keep them all safe. And no one understands.


  1. i understand. i do. i do. i do. <3

  2. Oh i so understand with every fiber of my being. Once you have kids you can never truly sleep again...once you have kids your own heart walks around outsde your body forevermore. I hear you and feel you . Yes i do.