Monday, September 26, 2011

September is coming to a close

Departing summer hath assumed
An aspect tenderly illumed,
The gentlest look of spring;
That calls from yonder leafy shade
Unfaded, yet prepared to fade,
A timely carolling.
- William Wordsworth, September

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


after two months of dry brushes
i have returned to say

" I am a woman"

I've gotten a lot of..."input" when I paint nudes. I find this curious. Why can we go to a museum and admire any number of paintings and sculptures of nudes , yet blush when I post a painting like this one? is it because people know me personally?
I'm always asked if my paintings are of myself . Some are intended to be self-portraits, others are not. It is true that my own body is the most familiar to me , the same body I have tried to escape from the time I was 11 years old. I think a lot of women feel this way. Never content with their curves or lack of curves. always comparing. never feeling comfortable in their own skin...
this month alone I have had three friends have to face cancer on one level or another. and it has me thinking about what it means to be a woman in this skin of ours.

there will always be people who see breasts or a backside and blush and giggle. and that's fine I guess. but if that's all you see you are missing the point.

not it

i am not super mom.

i don't know what to do

i feel my life stretched out before me and the autism road is a long one and never gets easier. we only change lanes.

i have no idea what i'm doing.
today my world is very small

just me and them and that's all we are going to do

that's it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


........i was remembering the feeling of being pulled through the long hair dragging in the waves behind me
the feeling of being heavy and light at the same time.....

Sunday, September 4, 2011

i like olives

i like olives. i do not like licorice. I find that I am often friends with non-loving olive people and licorice-liking people. do I do it on purpose? is it a personality-type?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

july 7th 2007 ~ on losing my mother in law to cancer and battling my son's autism

there are days when i ask how ....
when i ask how God could have mistaken me for some sort of warrior.. someone who has it together who will lead who will stand up who will not become daunted
i am just so tired
i am just so angry
i want to choose option "D" - only to find...
it's not available
not a an option

for me
eventually the sun comes out and i wake up and see the green things poking out of the ground
i think of you
i think about how you took the earth and made beautiful things out of it
i think about how you just took what you were given even when it was so bitter
and in spite of all that you believed in me
when I didn't

you're words still carry me
can i tell you that? can someone whisper it in your ear?
can someone please tell you that i am not forgetting
i am taking what you gave me
i won't sleep forever
i will wake with the sun and go back out and fight
for him
for you

June 4th 2008~ Autism

rise & fall
"what hurts? me what hurts"
how many times I- as the mommy ask my crying boy this question?
(maybe - if he can tell me- I can fix it)
this morning that question floats through my own self.

"what hurts? me what hurts?"

but I don't know how to answer

It just does and I don't know why

It hits me like a wave and I can only push up and down through it to keep breathing
There is no time to find out why or where it came from

maybe I can tell you later, when the waves stop

will they ever stop?

8-28-10 good things


the moment when you first realize you can smell autumn

new paint brushes

the first bite of pie ( that little triangle tip)

laying very still on the slant of a hill and imagining everything around you tipping, you staying one with the ground

the sound of a football game

the shapes of all the spaces between leaves and branches

1 hour before the sun sets in the summer
early in the morning during the spring
right before it will storm

watching people in activity and thought when they are not aware of your eyes on them

finding the perfect song
and listening over
and over again


being in love


my uncle's porch

a beautiful memory that only you and one other person share


laughing with someone that knows you so much that you didn't even have to voice the thing you are both laughing about

being known

wind chimes


smelling pine needles

blowing dandelion wishes

holding hands

pockets in dresses


paint on my fingers and arms..and face......and in my hair

being naked


singing when I'm alone


bottom lips

how things look when they are falling

red shoes



1/3 of the way into a painting



the way melted chocolate turns and folds over itself as it pours into a bowl

christmas lights when seen through teary eyes

the sound of horse hooves

1st kisses

when words sound like what they mean


how the woods can be dark inside even when it's daytime


spreading frosting

fingers in the water while riding in a moving boat

letting wind mess up your hair

high heels

the eyes of someone you love the second they recognize you

1-1-11 ~ a letter to my fantastic little brother

to my most awesome little brother

i'm not even sure when you grew up. i know i missed most of it. but suddenly here you are, and it seems like you did it all without any help from anyone
my favorite thing about you is your optimism . how committed you are to believing in something that you want to see happen.
to anyone that thinks you'll give up or change your mind...they just don't know you that well. I know that once you set your mind on something you will find a way to make it happen. I believe in you, and I know that if you really want to do this, make it work in LA and find work in the film industry you will.
I just hope you can stay strong , even when other people don't support you, or try to pressure you to take the easy way out.
If any of us seem to be pulling for you to stay here , or come back sooner than you'd like, remind yourself htat it isn't because we don't beive in you, i'ts only that we are selfish and want you around.
i hope it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway- that if you do ever decide you don't like where you are, for any reason at all, it will not be a failure on your part, but rather another direction you're choosing to go. Be careful that you don't make decisions based on what other people will think, but base them on what is best for you and brittany and your dreams of what you want in this life

I'm really proud of who you are. I think you are amazing. Determined, optimistic dreamer . you've never lost the ability to be excited and I love that about you.
keep doing the best you can.
i love you to the moon and back