Monday, June 27, 2011

bee's knees and elbows in wasp's nests

the woman in the blue car in front of me decided to brush her hair. it must have been quite a mess because she need BOTH hands for the job. I watch as one hand held a clump and the other tried to brush through it. the ENTIRE way down Johnson street. stop & go lights...over the bridge..all the while both hands off the steering wheel attending to what seems to be the most snarled head of hair that ever was. How does one's hair even get that matted? did she just get off a motorcycle? lose a bubble gum blowing contest - in the wind?
I continue to follow her all the way down johnson and then all the way down park ave. The entire time..both hands in her hair, eyes in the rear view mirror.
I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed. that lady has some talented knees.

I never understand how people can drive with their knees. I have never even considered trying to master that. I guess I just don't really feel motivated to work on a skill that could possibly end up killing me in the process.
it's like people who can ride a bike with no hands.just riding along without using the handlebars? why? obviously you're trying to show off. get a unicycle hot stuff!
I could never do it. I'd jack-knife that bike faster than you can say " elbow cast" .
of course I've never been that good at riding bikes anyway. I didn't learn until the 3rd grade. it was such a huge source of humiliation and shame for me. I remember being at a friend's house and trying to make up excuses for why we shouldn't ride bikes...
I still don't feel comfortable on one. There are too many cars around! where am I supposed to ride? what are the rules about turning? who invented those torturous seats?

it's a wonder anyone gets anywhere at all.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Ivan just walked down from upstairs with wide eyes and calmly said
" mom. there is a black bird upstairs"

please let this is not some sort of omen.

sure enough- darn bird snuck in through the vent in the room I have stripped raw to it's bones on our second floor.

after some ridiculousness he finally calmed down- LOOKED- and saw that the window was wide open for him, and simply flew out.

reminding me of how often we are too worked up to actually SEE our exit that is so clearly lit.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

life with autism

Autism- or - as "they" call it officially now- Autism Spectrum Disorder (same thing) it is not a shameful thing. it's different than some people, but not WRONG.

The first dr we saw when Malachi was diagnosed was kind of an asshole.
I was totally keeping it together and I asked him as calmly as could be " if this was YOUR son, what would you do?"
he looked at me and said " first..I would cry."

part of me gets it- deal with the emotional response. yes. I understand. But the other part of me is thinking- CRY??!! cry? that is your response? because it's a horrible diagnosis?? My son doesn't have cancer! he has autism! it's a learning style not a death sentence! fuck off!

But we go through all sorts of emotions over and over don't we?
it's a constant thing . one day you accept it and you move on and sometimes weeks go by and you don't even think about autism.
other times you barely survive 5 minutes at a time and all you can think about is the autism and how it's affecting your life and the lives of the other family members. and you have days when you are happy and embrace who your child is, and you have days when you DO want to cry. and that's ok too.
what it comes down to is just simply- no parent wants their child to struggle or have pain. on ANY level. EVER.
it's not any different for a parent of a child with autism than it is for any other parent. It's only that parents of kids who are dealing with something that is obvious and in your face- think about it a little more often.

when is the world just going to get to the point where we can accept that not only do some people not fit the " norm" but NO ONE DOES. there IS no normal.

lets just love each other for our differences . can't we?
give more understanding
give more patience
give more love

Sunday, June 19, 2011


my birthday card from my dad this year :

"thanks for being there for the entire family-
fashion coordinator, counselor, comedian, artist.
We love you and are so proud of you"

Monday, June 6, 2011

just be.

yesterday I was sitting in the backyard with my kids and there was no breeze at all.
not a stir in the air. As I looked up,I saw one single dandelion " wish" quietly flying along, just like it was riding an unseen river, bobbing and swaying and the tiniest umbrella . with no help from big great all controlling MAN. with no help from us that little seed just obeys and moves and will settle and grow. it will not ask for anything at all. it will just be. and then when it's time is up it will die. it will not ask " why" .