Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
i just freaked out and ate a piece of chocolate cake
it doesn't matter why. i mean- it does. but it doesn't matter to you. so never mind about that.
ok- yes. it might have something to do with that book over there - the one that I worked really hard on but the paint threatens to peel off of when you turn the pages. yes.
or it could be The List that the book sits upon that I am pretending to ignore- but can't. and yes...it could be you. or you. but I won't burden you with that. and yes. it could very well be THAT..and it could also be THIS. so then i slipped in my red socks and bumped Violet's watercolors spilling the painty water cup onto my pajamaed leg and the water ran precariously close the the plugged-in hair dryer. yes. it is in my studio. on the floor. because i'm working dammmit! i'm working on all these things that no one will even care about but i can't seem to keep myself from creating them. yes. it could be a lot about that.
it also could be because i'm supposed to be doing things and being places and i'm not.
it could be the thing i didn't pick up at the place yet. or the calories i did not yet burn on the treadmill where i have not yet dripped my sweat on. i will. i will.
i will after i do that. and this. and make that. and finish that. and fill out the boxes with the words and empty the coffee grounds and fold all that laundry and decide this and that. and punch myself in the face for not doing any of that and instead doing this.
not THIS- as in typing this- but THIS..this. this this this this.
and that's why.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
for Lindsey~ on the occasion of your 25th birthday 3-28-11
your birth was the most life-changing thing to happen in my childhood.
i didn't know what it was going to mean. who you were going to be to me, or who I would be to you.
there is so much of it i'd like to go back to , now that i know.
i loved you as much as any sister could love another. but i never knew you'd end up being one of my closest friends too.
i love you more than i could ever put into silly words. i want all good things for you . i admire you and i am fascinated by you and i am proud of you. for everything.
and i'm also so blessed and thankful for what you are for me. thank you for being there for me
"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.."
~Barbara Alpert
i didn't know what it was going to mean. who you were going to be to me, or who I would be to you.
there is so much of it i'd like to go back to , now that i know.
i loved you as much as any sister could love another. but i never knew you'd end up being one of my closest friends too.
i love you more than i could ever put into silly words. i want all good things for you . i admire you and i am fascinated by you and i am proud of you. for everything.
and i'm also so blessed and thankful for what you are for me. thank you for being there for me
"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.."
~Barbara Alpert
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
autism : 1 . Us: 0
well THAT just happened.
great day. the only email from school was a little note saying the boys were doing great.
drive home on the bus clearly was NOT great. Ivan was too noisy. Malachi wants him to follow the rules, so when he doesn't, Malachi can't cope. which is why we have an aide on the bus.
She needs to be fired.
Ivan was noisy , so Malachi hit him.
so the bus pulls up, Malachi runs off the bus- in "flight or flight" because he knew he did the wrong thing by hitting, afraid of me knowing - he runs into the house and locks the door.
Violet and Malachi are inside.
Ivan and I are outside.
Malachi is in crazy-mode
I try the back door- locked.
the driver stays with the bus idling watching me run back and forth while Ivan screams and pounds the door. She watches as I stand in my rain boots and t-shirt in the snow shivering while I try to coach the 2 year old how to turn the lock on the old wonky screen door.
the bus driver offers me her cell . I call my mom who is in the grocery store. I tell her to come when she's done (even though I know she does not have a key). it satisfies the driver and she finally drives off.
I wait until the bus is out of sight I kick the old door until it breaks and falls apart
reach in and open the lock.
I wish I could say it was the first time he's locked me out.
felt good to kick the shit out of something anyway.
great day. the only email from school was a little note saying the boys were doing great.
drive home on the bus clearly was NOT great. Ivan was too noisy. Malachi wants him to follow the rules, so when he doesn't, Malachi can't cope. which is why we have an aide on the bus.
She needs to be fired.
Ivan was noisy , so Malachi hit him.
so the bus pulls up, Malachi runs off the bus- in "flight or flight" because he knew he did the wrong thing by hitting, afraid of me knowing - he runs into the house and locks the door.
Violet and Malachi are inside.
Ivan and I are outside.
Malachi is in crazy-mode
I try the back door- locked.
the driver stays with the bus idling watching me run back and forth while Ivan screams and pounds the door. She watches as I stand in my rain boots and t-shirt in the snow shivering while I try to coach the 2 year old how to turn the lock on the old wonky screen door.
the bus driver offers me her cell . I call my mom who is in the grocery store. I tell her to come when she's done (even though I know she does not have a key). it satisfies the driver and she finally drives off.
I wait until the bus is out of sight I kick the old door until it breaks and falls apart
reach in and open the lock.
I wish I could say it was the first time he's locked me out.
felt good to kick the shit out of something anyway.
Monday, March 21, 2011
chasing the horizon
i did not grow up with buildings competing for the horizon.
i will never get used to all the houses so close to me.if i wanted to watch the moon rise i just looked out my window. and more times than i can count did i feel the wind change and the smell of the pines intensify as the sun grew lower in the sky-the same time when the color of everything started to blur together and and the clinking chopping washing stirring sounds started in the kitchen when the lights inside got warmer and separated from the outdoors - i would run out the back door and across the gravel and up the little slope of a hill past the fence and down- straight down the center trail engulfed by the giant pines until i burst out the other side to see it slip slip slipping down on the other side of the trampled farmers field. and sit I would on the soft tall grass and wait and watch as the clouds changed and the size of everything shifted and it was just me and the giant giant sky and fields upon fields. the horizon as familiar as the face of family eventually it would disappear and i'd stay as long as i could before i ran back through the ever darkening shadows thicker than air or thought but never fearful they all knew me just as well as i knew them and probably better
and so the moon came down and i could feel it and all the houses blocked my view and oh i miss my trees and my fields running down the gray cracked sidewalks i imagine the tall grass under my feet and passing the houses full of people in their artificial light i imagine them pines brushing past my shoulders
until i can break through and see my old friend
i will never get used to all the houses so close to me.if i wanted to watch the moon rise i just looked out my window. and more times than i can count did i feel the wind change and the smell of the pines intensify as the sun grew lower in the sky-the same time when the color of everything started to blur together and and the clinking chopping washing stirring sounds started in the kitchen when the lights inside got warmer and separated from the outdoors - i would run out the back door and across the gravel and up the little slope of a hill past the fence and down- straight down the center trail engulfed by the giant pines until i burst out the other side to see it slip slip slipping down on the other side of the trampled farmers field. and sit I would on the soft tall grass and wait and watch as the clouds changed and the size of everything shifted and it was just me and the giant giant sky and fields upon fields. the horizon as familiar as the face of family eventually it would disappear and i'd stay as long as i could before i ran back through the ever darkening shadows thicker than air or thought but never fearful they all knew me just as well as i knew them and probably better
and so the moon came down and i could feel it and all the houses blocked my view and oh i miss my trees and my fields running down the gray cracked sidewalks i imagine the tall grass under my feet and passing the houses full of people in their artificial light i imagine them pines brushing past my shoulders
until i can break through and see my old friend
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
phone calls from school
I'm now thinking I should have been keeping a record of all the reasons school calls me.like:
"Ivan refused to pick up his apple because it was covered in germs , screaming and demanding the custodian pick it up for him"
" Ivan had a melt down because he wanted to put the rubber band on the deck of cards"
"Malachi is stuck in a chair"
or better yet- the ones I call or email school over:
" why does Malachi insist the librarian wants a framed picture of an animal? and what are the pennies for?"
" Malachi is upset because Ranger Rick still has not come in the mail. good luck with your day"
"Malachi couldn't sleep last night because he wants to go to florida to feel the sand. he cried for a long time. he might be tired today"
" please tell Ivan I found Pig" (i did not elaborate)
" tell Malachi if he does a good job today he gets to get pizza from a box"
"I didn't make malachi finish his homework because he was playing with his brother"
all these probably sound like strange reasons to call school, many seem unimportant. But I'm lucky enough to have teachers that know WHY these little things are so important and they appreciate having the information because those little things affect my kids entire day. sometimes the entire week.
Monday, March 14, 2011
rage rash
i wonder if anyone has ever killed anyone because of eczema.
i keep waking up it the middle of the night trying to talk myself out of scraping my skin off with a sharp knife.
i think the frustration over it could quickly turn into rage.
why is this not more of a concern to drs?
i'm telling you..no one is truly safe from the eczema-inducing-rage
i keep waking up it the middle of the night trying to talk myself out of scraping my skin off with a sharp knife.
i think the frustration over it could quickly turn into rage.
why is this not more of a concern to drs?
i'm telling you..no one is truly safe from the eczema-inducing-rage
travel
flying out of Philadelphia the security was pretty tight and I had to take my belt off and sweater to get past the metal detector but in Milwaukee I could wear a big fat belt buckle and walk right through without the slightest beep.
i find that disturbing.
also disturbing is how comfortable people can be on an airplane.
one man picked his nose (did not even try to hide it)
another bit his fingernails so loudly that I found myself staring at him- unable to look away. How can you bite your fingernails LOUDLY you ask? he was literally sucking and smacking on his thumb. it was wrong.
actually- I think this was the same guy that wolfed down a salad the size of my 2 year old while waiting at the gate, and then ate an entire bag of nuts (not snack-size) right before boarding. he was a very very thin man in a business suit.
who made up the suit anyway? isn't it odd that the only way a man can be " dressed up" is to wear a suit with hardly any option for variation other than the color. and even in color you can choose from dark blue, black gray or maybe- if you're daring- dark green. ? it must be terribly boring. AND uncomfortable.
i find that disturbing.
also disturbing is how comfortable people can be on an airplane.
one man picked his nose (did not even try to hide it)
another bit his fingernails so loudly that I found myself staring at him- unable to look away. How can you bite your fingernails LOUDLY you ask? he was literally sucking and smacking on his thumb. it was wrong.
actually- I think this was the same guy that wolfed down a salad the size of my 2 year old while waiting at the gate, and then ate an entire bag of nuts (not snack-size) right before boarding. he was a very very thin man in a business suit.
who made up the suit anyway? isn't it odd that the only way a man can be " dressed up" is to wear a suit with hardly any option for variation other than the color. and even in color you can choose from dark blue, black gray or maybe- if you're daring- dark green. ? it must be terribly boring. AND uncomfortable.
Friday, March 11, 2011
aspbergers portrayed in a tv show. accurate and heart breaking
http://www.hulu.com/watch/217323/parenthood-qualities-and-difficulties
truth
"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it." ~ Stephen Colbert
Thursday, March 10, 2011
sisters abuse facebook
Lindsey trepanier:
I'm getting the coughies toooooo. but I will keep that in mind. So instead of continuing to talk on your answering machine waiting for you to pick up I will just leave a somewhat normal message :)
post script: you will be getting an email to your gmail filled with random wedding ideas :)...
Nina Schmidt: good call. I want so much wedding emails that my inbox actually throws up. bring. it. on.
Nina Schmidt: " so much wedding emails" ? what?
duh.
Lindsey Trepanier: WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! you liked my comment on your comment within 2 seconds of me posting it! efficient!
Nina Schmidt: I really like being efficient
Lindsey Trepanier: yes so much wedding emails.
Lindsey Trepanier: I really like saying efficient with an emphasis on that first E sound.
Lindsey Trepanier: EEEEEeeefficient
Nina Schmidt: i like to emphasize the CHH part
effiCIent
Nina Schmidt: effinicient
Nina Schmidt: get it?
effin'
Lindsey Trepanier: oh yeah. I'm lolzing all over the place. I get it. EFF yeah I get it.
Nina Schmidt: I hate spelling it though. who made that up? it's stupid
Lindsey Trepanier: you know what word for whatever the devil reason I cannot spell correctly (in fact I spell it so incorrectly that even spell check doesn't pick up how to correct it) inconvenience
Lindsey Trepanier: DUDE I HAVE TO PLAN A WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHH!!!!
Nina Schmidt: i actually have to say " eee fish eeee-ent" in my head every time. and that takes too much time.
yes. I have to say that one too hard too. so basically..neither word is efficient OR convenient to say or spell
Nina Schmidt: a wedding we can do. but please lets stop using the words " efficient" or " convenient"
Nina Schmidt: PS I had to use spell-check like..three times so far
e
Lindsey Trepanier: EXACTLY. not efficient. not convenient.
spell check. me too.
Lindsey Trepanier: is anyone else reading this nonsense? if so I feel bad for you...but I however am so very amused.
Lindsey Trepanier: Actually, come to think of it, it's been a while since we've gone back and forth on one facebook post. We were over due.
Nina Schmidt: dude. if you haven't noticed I'm alll about public humiliation.
I find it somewhat therapeutic. just get it all out there. just do it.
current status update is a perfect example. I do stupid shit. sometimes I fall down the stairs. sometimes I write on my hand and then touch my face and have ink on my face all day. sometimes I say a word way too loud
Lindsey Trepanier: WHAT WORD!?!?! I MUST KNOW!
Nina Schmidt: the best part is- even if someone did read this- they would probably not even crack a smile. You and I however- are almost going to wet our pants
6 minutes ago · Like
Lindsey Trepanier heehee!! I know. I love it.
6 minutes ago · Like
Nina Schmidt well..you know..word(s) plural. just those sorts you're not supposed to say too loudly
like saying " foreskin" in the ymca and misjudging the emphasis worrying it might just have echoed
Nina Schmidt: think " 500 days of summer" (penis)
Lindsey Trepanier: also I keep eating these tortilla chips because I'm hungry, and they are so salty that they are hurting my lips yet I won't stop shoving them in my face.
Lindsey Trepanier: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lindsey Trepanier: okay I'll admit that was uncalled for. sorry facebook.
Nina Schmidt: SEE!!! gagaggaah! oh man. I meant to say " hahahah" but my hand was on the keyboard wrong and gagagagaga is just funnier
Nina Schmidt: we should train ourselves to laugh with the G sound instead of an H. just never explain it, never acknowledge it- just suddenly start laughing like " GAGAGAGAGA" from now on
Lindsey Trepanier: gagagagagagagaga!!!!!!! what is also funny, is that Dale will come home, and I will inevitably show him this facebook post, that has gotten WAY out of control, because I will still think it is funny. He will most likely not. He will stare at it wide eyed and ask "does it ever end??"
Nina Schmidt: I want a t-shirt that says " spell-check saved my life"
because it very well may have at some point and I just dont even know it
Nina Schmidt: eventually you'll get to the point in your relationship when you don't even show him. he'll just come home- see you silent-laughing and he'll just shake his head and walk away
Lindsey Trepanier: spell check could also ruin your life :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OonDPGwAyfQ
Nina Schmidt: oh that's not right
tara: facebook has a spellcheck?
Lindsey Trepanier: Hi Tara !! :)
Nina Schmidt: that figures that tara would not know that. you probably can spell efficient and convenient in your sleep
n
Lindsey Trepanier: NINA! stop it! we don't want to think about those words right now!
Nina Schmidt: when I bought my domain name I freaked out for a good thirty minutes wondering if I had misspelled " palette" on my website
Nina Schmidt: I still freak out a little every time I write it
Lindsey Trepanier: sounds about right (the freak out, not the spelling)
Nina Schmidt: gagagagagaga
Maryjane :I'm reading it you silly girls. Spellcheck wanted to change silly to 'silt'.
Nina Schmidt: fyi. Im going to post this entire convo on my blog.
yes I am!!
Tara: i can spell my way into heaven but once i get here if they ask me to draw my own bed, i'm sleeping on the floor for eternity.
Nina Schmidt: tara my little poet, I'm sitting next to you so I can copy off your page. and I will take your side of the bed too. I like to spread out
Lindsey Trepanier: this comment-a-thon is starting to wear me out!
Nina Schmidt: *checking for a pulse* I just killed the thread didn't I.
well ..it happens. I guess it might as well have been me
Tara:oops I wrote "here" rather than "there" and even spell check would not pick up on that grammatical error. Does FB offer grammar check?
Nina Schmidt: it does not. OBVIOUSLY.
lol
Lindsey Trepanier: check for the pulse, throw some Gatorade on its face and play the rocky theme song and run one last victory lap nin.
Tara: The End.
Nina Schmidt: shit.
I was just about to put on some face paint.
I'm getting the coughies toooooo. but I will keep that in mind. So instead of continuing to talk on your answering machine waiting for you to pick up I will just leave a somewhat normal message :)
post script: you will be getting an email to your gmail filled with random wedding ideas :)...
Nina Schmidt: good call. I want so much wedding emails that my inbox actually throws up. bring. it. on.
Nina Schmidt: " so much wedding emails" ? what?
duh.
Lindsey Trepanier: WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! you liked my comment on your comment within 2 seconds of me posting it! efficient!
Nina Schmidt: I really like being efficient
Lindsey Trepanier: yes so much wedding emails.
Lindsey Trepanier: I really like saying efficient with an emphasis on that first E sound.
Lindsey Trepanier: EEEEEeeefficient
Nina Schmidt: i like to emphasize the CHH part
effiCIent
Nina Schmidt: effinicient
Nina Schmidt: get it?
effin'
Lindsey Trepanier: oh yeah. I'm lolzing all over the place. I get it. EFF yeah I get it.
Nina Schmidt: I hate spelling it though. who made that up? it's stupid
Lindsey Trepanier: you know what word for whatever the devil reason I cannot spell correctly (in fact I spell it so incorrectly that even spell check doesn't pick up how to correct it) inconvenience
Lindsey Trepanier: DUDE I HAVE TO PLAN A WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHH!!!!
Nina Schmidt: i actually have to say " eee fish eeee-ent" in my head every time. and that takes too much time.
yes. I have to say that one too hard too. so basically..neither word is efficient OR convenient to say or spell
Nina Schmidt: a wedding we can do. but please lets stop using the words " efficient" or " convenient"
Nina Schmidt: PS I had to use spell-check like..three times so far
e
Lindsey Trepanier: EXACTLY. not efficient. not convenient.
spell check. me too.
Lindsey Trepanier: is anyone else reading this nonsense? if so I feel bad for you...but I however am so very amused.
Lindsey Trepanier: Actually, come to think of it, it's been a while since we've gone back and forth on one facebook post. We were over due.
Nina Schmidt: dude. if you haven't noticed I'm alll about public humiliation.
I find it somewhat therapeutic. just get it all out there. just do it.
current status update is a perfect example. I do stupid shit. sometimes I fall down the stairs. sometimes I write on my hand and then touch my face and have ink on my face all day. sometimes I say a word way too loud
Lindsey Trepanier: WHAT WORD!?!?! I MUST KNOW!
Nina Schmidt: the best part is- even if someone did read this- they would probably not even crack a smile. You and I however- are almost going to wet our pants
6 minutes ago · Like
Lindsey Trepanier heehee!! I know. I love it.
6 minutes ago · Like
Nina Schmidt well..you know..word(s) plural. just those sorts you're not supposed to say too loudly
like saying " foreskin" in the ymca and misjudging the emphasis worrying it might just have echoed
Nina Schmidt: think " 500 days of summer" (penis)
Lindsey Trepanier: also I keep eating these tortilla chips because I'm hungry, and they are so salty that they are hurting my lips yet I won't stop shoving them in my face.
Lindsey Trepanier: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lindsey Trepanier: okay I'll admit that was uncalled for. sorry facebook.
Nina Schmidt: SEE!!! gagaggaah! oh man. I meant to say " hahahah" but my hand was on the keyboard wrong and gagagagaga is just funnier
Nina Schmidt: we should train ourselves to laugh with the G sound instead of an H. just never explain it, never acknowledge it- just suddenly start laughing like " GAGAGAGAGA" from now on
Lindsey Trepanier: gagagagagagagaga!!!!!!! what is also funny, is that Dale will come home, and I will inevitably show him this facebook post, that has gotten WAY out of control, because I will still think it is funny. He will most likely not. He will stare at it wide eyed and ask "does it ever end??"
Nina Schmidt: I want a t-shirt that says " spell-check saved my life"
because it very well may have at some point and I just dont even know it
Nina Schmidt: eventually you'll get to the point in your relationship when you don't even show him. he'll just come home- see you silent-laughing and he'll just shake his head and walk away
Lindsey Trepanier: spell check could also ruin your life :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OonDPGwAyfQ
Nina Schmidt: oh that's not right
tara: facebook has a spellcheck?
Lindsey Trepanier: Hi Tara !! :)
Nina Schmidt: that figures that tara would not know that. you probably can spell efficient and convenient in your sleep
n
Lindsey Trepanier: NINA! stop it! we don't want to think about those words right now!
Nina Schmidt: when I bought my domain name I freaked out for a good thirty minutes wondering if I had misspelled " palette" on my website
Nina Schmidt: I still freak out a little every time I write it
Lindsey Trepanier: sounds about right (the freak out, not the spelling)
Nina Schmidt: gagagagagaga
Maryjane :I'm reading it you silly girls. Spellcheck wanted to change silly to 'silt'.
Nina Schmidt: fyi. Im going to post this entire convo on my blog.
yes I am!!
Tara: i can spell my way into heaven but once i get here if they ask me to draw my own bed, i'm sleeping on the floor for eternity.
Nina Schmidt: tara my little poet, I'm sitting next to you so I can copy off your page. and I will take your side of the bed too. I like to spread out
Lindsey Trepanier: this comment-a-thon is starting to wear me out!
Nina Schmidt: *checking for a pulse* I just killed the thread didn't I.
well ..it happens. I guess it might as well have been me
Tara:oops I wrote "here" rather than "there" and even spell check would not pick up on that grammatical error. Does FB offer grammar check?
Nina Schmidt: it does not. OBVIOUSLY.
lol
Lindsey Trepanier: check for the pulse, throw some Gatorade on its face and play the rocky theme song and run one last victory lap nin.
Tara: The End.
Nina Schmidt: shit.
I was just about to put on some face paint.
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