Sunday, February 20, 2011

"C" written sept 1st 2009

I had a dream about a movie about three men backpacking to the edge of the tallest cliff to scatter ashes of a friend. The lead actor is David Arquette and his hair is dyed an unnatural orange
They were so high up they were stepping on the tops of the trees and the very pointy peaks of mountains and cliffs. They know going in that they will die in this effort, that they won't ever come home and they will die by falling far far far far
I know I'm going to wake up falling and I do

What does it mean?

A) I'm afraid of heights
B) David Arquette is washed up
C) when people are dead they are dead

Explanation of C

My mother in law has been dead for 2 years. I don't even like to SAY that really. "dead" she's dead.
I still occasionally say to Jesse " I'm going to tell your mom" or " your mom would be on my side"
(it's ok this is a friendly joke) He seems to be more aware that she is gone than I am.
Recently the uncles have called to discuss the fact that she still does not have a headstone where she is buried. Disgrace. So it has been worked out and one is finally purchased and will be laid to rest in the grass where she is NOT.

That's the thing. She's not there. So who is the stone for? I'm not against having the stone, I'm just asking the question because sometimes I think our traditions are so strange.

Malachi talks about death a lot. Spontaneously quietly weeping and asking God to make sure that no people die...
It's hard to explain to him. What comfort can I give him? "death is not scary..gramma Cheryl died and that just means she lives with God now instead of here and she is safe and happy and not sick and she is ..happy..."
Of course no matter what you believe the TRUTH is death IS scary and we don't' know what is going on after that exactly and we are all scared and sad about it and no one wants it to happen and I fight to never think about these scary things.
So I guess we all just do these things because we don't know what to do. We want to prove we remember her we want to prove she is worth remembering? I'm not sure why stones do that...I know I'll probably never go to see that stone , but I'll think of her when my kids have their first day of school and I'll think of her when the flowers bloom and when I have a gardening question and when I want to squeal on my husband and every time I bake a cake - how she'd swear to me it was the best tasting cake she'd ever had in her entire life, even though it wasn't true- and every time someone that was her friend sees Violet and says " oh my..she looks like Cheryl"
and I love that whenever I think of her I imagine her laughing
I don't need a stone

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