let's be friends

my 4 year old likes to stay up till 11pm talking to stuffed animals and watching netflix on the ipad.
she has the humor of an adult, but careful- she's a landmine and cries if you look at her cross-eyed.
she has the greatest giggle ever and she tells me she loves me 3,000 times a day. She loves to snuggle and is kind to everyone . but when  her brother bugs her she will charge like a rhino.
she eats about 10 things . that's it. she doesn't like to try new things. she thinks icecream heals wounds.
she likes to do anything her brother does.
she likes video games and drinks nothing but applejuice.

my 8 year old is afraid of black holes, clowns, spiders, math, deep water, natural disasters, heights, and the dentist. sometimes he carries a flashlight around "just in case".
he cries easily and it's a very loud screamy wailing cry they can hear in other galaxies. He hates fiction and loves to learn REAL things. He's extremely creative and talks A LOT. his favorite color is currently the brightest neon green there is. he is an adventurous eater. he loves his cousin. he loves legos. he loves video games, they also plague his life.

my 11 year old is never mean on purpose. he is highly motivated by other's feelings and does not ever want to make anyone sad or mad. he likes quiet. he likes it when other's follow the rules and do not upset anyone. he loves animals and is not afraid of any bugs. he will catch them and let them free outside. he likes movies and games because they are things that are already scripted out and he can follow along free of stress. he likes to anticipate things, he does not like surprises. he still snuggles with me and tells me he loves me every night. he likes to swing on the swings higher than anyone else and let go for a moment so he can float. he hates when people change things in  his routine, he hates when people talk about private or gross things. he hates waiting his turn . he hates it if he thinks he's not being listened to or understood.

he likes to paint and draw and he loves to tell jokes because he likes making people happy. he doesn't care what is "cool" he still appreciates shows he likes when he was a little boy. 

he loves video games, they also plague his life. 

i don't feel like i know what's going on. i don't feel capable. i have a phobia of paperwork and i hate making phone calls to people i don't know. sometimes i worry so much about other people that it makes me anxious and depressed. i worry about most things actually so i have learned to distract myself by Doing Things and Taking Care of People. my kids provide me with all that i can handle so it works out. 

painting makes me feel like myself again and i can float. i love art and colors and nature and music.

i am really bad at fitting everything in. i forget appointments and run out of time . i lose things. 

i hate bugs. i don't like too many noises at once. i'm not very good at making decisions. 

i'm a verbal processor so sometimes i have to talk about things A LOT to figure them out. 

i love the woods. i'm scared of deep water. (i'm scared of a LOT of things) i can't do math. 

letters and numbers always appear in color in my head. i love clothes. i like me when i'm running. i struggle with my weight. i feel lonely a lot. i love being a mom. i love being an artist. i suck at mostly everything else. i hate video games.  

i'm married to an ex skateboarder. i'm not completely sure who he is yet. i'm not sure if he knows either. 

social events #autism

i am tired of accepting invitations because I worry about someone's feelings even though i know it will be a difficult situation for my family. So why do i keep doing it? the truth is, it's hard to face a good friend or family member and admit that what you have just been invited to will be too hard for your autistic child and if you DO say it you are immediately met with this response: " oh he'll be fine!" or " we don't mind!" - Translation: we don't care if your child struggles or freaks out. This is NOT helpful and makes it even harder for you to say no. occasionally they will ask you what your concern is, but when you try to explain - they shoot down every reason you give. the truth is, if you don't have an autistic child anything i say will sound like a ridiculous excuse. "too much open space" "too small of a space" " too loud" " too many animals" " too many children" "boring" "smells bad" " dog hair" "he hates the food" what parent is really going to say that? no. you either make up the best most realistic excuse possible, or , you smile and start preparing. you pack 2 more bags than the average parent. you feed the kids PRIOR to the party so they don't get upset about eating things they won't like. you bring games and extra clothes and any other distraction you can think of. you spend the entire party glued to him with watchful eyes waiting for the signals that he's had enough. you don't eat, you don't have any meaningful conversations. you don't sit down. you have anxiety the entire time. it is a nightmare. when those signals start happening your hosts will suddenly decide to "help" he's raising his voice, trying to run out of the room/area, he's demanding to leave, he screams he hates the food, or the smell of something. And they try to TALK to him, they decide now would be a good time to offer conversation, and tell you "mom- relax, we're all fine, have a seat" etc. By the time you get out the situation is too far gone. the ride home consists of trying to diffuse your child who has just been through what he probably feels is a terrible miserable evening. he's had too much of everything and he's hungry. when you get home you need to do everything at warp-speed in order to get back into the groove so he can calm down. you run the shower, you get snacks, you turn on a favorite show. bedtime is pushed back in order to get back into a routine. you have a migraine. you're starving, your back hurts, you have been holding back crying all day. everyone finally goes to bed and all you feel is angry. why do we have to keep doing all these things to make everyone else happy? to make everyone else feel comfortable? just once i'd like someone to ask me what scenario would be best for me and my family to be able to participate? as a mom to an autistic child i can't even count how many social gatherings we've endured that i wish i could forget. the frustration. the sadness. the embarrassment. if you're going to invite us, at the very least give us a way out. let us say no. don't argue with us, don't pretend you understand. don't tell me it will be "fun" or " relaxing" don't tell me "he'll be fine" you don't know my son. spend your entire party doing everything you hate . put on clothes that are too tight and turn the music up too loud and cook food that smells too strong and balance a stack of books on your head while someone kicks you in the shins. did you have fun? don't tell me you understand. just once i'd like someone to be honest and say " i have no idea what you need, but if you tell me i'd be happy to try" or at the very least just let me say no.

independence is overrated

We were all painting when Malachi got up to get a drink. He accidentally poured himself a glass of flavored creamer , thinking it was eggnog and proceeded to chug it. He then threw up. Which made Ivan run away to avoid sympathetic puking, and violet hid and cried because she has a phobia of vomit . this is why independence is overrated. You want a drink? Ask mommy. I will get if for you. Violet is saying (in a small sad voice) " mom. Malachi grossed me out" We are now done with craft time.

today I ran for the #3.

this is for the 3 minutes that i could barely run the first time i tried. for how hard mile 3 is and for leaving it behind and for every 3 miles after that. for 3 positive pregnancy tests and for 3 times my belly stretched to hold them. for the 3 pairs of glasses that are on their way in the mail for my eyes that refuse to see what my heart knows is there. for the 3 miles ember endicott wants to walk in the woods . for falling in love 3 times more than most people get to. for the 3rd chorus. for getting in the car every day at 3:00 to pick up my 3 children and for the 3 minute walk to the car that feels so long when they are all watching . for 3 minute showers with the door open. for his pain and for the pills he takes 3 times a day. for the 3rd day in a row of 16 hour shifts. for my 3rd grade glasses. for 3 pants sizes. for 3 mittens and 3 kittens. for the 3 time-outs. for 3 different bedtime stories. for the 3 paintings that meant nothing and for the 3 that meant everything. for 3 years of being known. and for you.

write that down!

Nov 1st 2012 : At one point today I had to go out to the van to get something ( and leave the kids alone in the house for a minute) Violet stuck her head out the door after me and said in a frantic voice " MOM! Am I in charge??!!" oct 31 2012: Violet: " mom , do you think Gumball ( the tv show "the amazing world of ") is kind of in-prope-piate ( inappropriate) ?" oct 27 2012: " I want more hours in the day!" - Malachi oct 25 2012: searching everywhere for Violet's hat when she informs me " well mom, hats can't walk or run or hide..all they can do is sit on the floor" oct 21 2012: " I care about people's feelwings" - violet (4yrs old) oct 21 2012: Violet just brought me a tiny something on her finger saying " see that mom?" she had me pick it up and examine it before telling me " that was in my eye when I sleeped " ohhhhhh.. Thank you for handing me your eye-sleep little darling ;) oct 17 2012 Jesse: "is this what having kids is like?! I thought they were just going to be cute and small!" Me: " I know. Me too. False advertising " oct 17 2012 : Violet: " do people call frogs 'feminine'?" Me: " do you mean 'amphibian' ?" Violet: "yeah. Feminine. " Oct 16 2012:Violet just drew a picture of me ( huge) and Jesse ( small) and she told me it is a picture of me as a mom and daddy when he was a baby . A psych would have a field day with this drawing. oct 15 2012: Ivan: "Malachi! You only have ONE friend??!!!" Malachi: " yeah.. But I'm thinking about getting another one" oct 12 2012: Ivan is writing a story ( similar to Lord Of The Rings) and he made Malachi into a wizard in the story :) Malachi is totally THRILLED and keeps asking questions like " will I be in the end of the story? Awesome!" oct 10 2012: Violet : " mom, do seahorses have bones?" " what does it look like inside your heart? Pink squishy stuff?" " is Malachi quiet because he feels nervous?" oct 9 2012: Violet: "if someone squeezed a whole cow it would get flat . Right?" Tara Endicott: " if you were a super hero you would be " super-feeler" and you would be the WORST super hero EVER" Nina Schmidt: " and my cryptonite would be- EVERYTHING" oct 5 2012: I looked deep into Ivan's eyes and said " just so you know, mom knows when you're faking". we had a moment of sober understanding and that was all that needed to be said on that subject. he's coloring at the table and the Big & Small siblings are at school. Sometimes you just need a day to regroup in quiet. I'm ok with that. oct 4 2012: 6:30am: " mom.. I accidentally wet the bed. I'm really really sorry!!! ... It was your bed " ~ Ivan Nov 25 2012: Sometimes Jesse emails me from work : J:You're skin is white like a noodle. I am not like a noodle. My skin is red. Me: is this a love poem? J: haiku of love. Nov 24 2012 : Ivan has The Cold the worst so far. It's because he's the worst at blowing his nose. Just sniffs and sniffs and sniffs... Ugh . I feel ragey over it BLOW IT OUT KID!!! jUST BLOW THE SNOT OUT!!!! They should make a greeting card that says : " congrats !! Your kid finally learned to blow his nose!! " I would buy that card. Violet(4 yrs old): " what number are you now mom?" Me: "35" Violet: " whoa! That's a big number" Me: " it really is , isn't it"

why numbers don't matter

you know that person who says " I love to exercise! it gives me endorphins!" ? yeah. that's the person I imagine punching while I'm on the treadmill. I hate exercising. But I DO like to kick ass, and since I can't go about kicking random people's asses I kick my own. I'm most competitive with myself I guess. Which sort of makes me sound like I have multiple personalities ... for those of you give-er-uppers. for those of you who said " Oh I don't have the body for running" or " I have exercise-induced asthma" or " I would rather sit here"... here's a story for you. I was always the chubby one in the family. At age 9 I found out I had a hypo-thyroid. Meaning, my thyroid was sooo sleeeeeeepy *yawn* it could not be bothered.... so there's the chubby sibling syndrome..and then the thyroid..and then when I turned 21 - KABLAMO! hospitalization for acute pancreatitis. Triglycerides were 5,600. (the goal for trigs is 150) 5 days in ICU, two weeks in the hospital, 8 weeks of carrying around a backpack with an IV in my chest . No food or anything to drink for 8 weeks. not even a glass of water in 7 weeks. after countless diets and drugs and supplements and misery...we just kind of settled in to the fact that I was irreversibly screwed up.(physically! I mean PHYSICALLY!) even the drs were kind of like " yeah.....um...I got nothin' " at that time I was counseled to start exercising 1 hour a day (didn't happen) But this wasn't supposed to be a post about my pancreas, so forget about that for now. 2-3 years ago I was between 180-185 pounds. *gasp* A lady is not supposed to tell her weight! ok that's fine. I'm not a lady then. Because this is important- if you knew me 3 years ago you would not have guessed I weighed that much. It sounds really huge right? (this is one reason why numbers don't matter) so about 3 years ago I started running. I hated it. I am now up to running 2-5 miles 3x a week, pretty consistently for the past 2 years. 2 years ago I was wearing size 12 jeans. Yesterday I zipped up a size 8. EIGHT!!! a single digit!!! but here's the kicker- the scale still says 175. THIS my friends is why numbers suck. why you should not give them your time or your feelings. screw the numbers. my jeans ZIPPED UP. Did this change in 6 months? nope. it took me literally 2 years of sweating my ass off to drop a couple pants sizes and almost no weight loss (according to the scale) the happy news is, I no longer try to be in someone else's body (that's creepy) I am 5'3. I'm curvy. My belly grew three babies. My legs are muscular and can kick your ass. I can wear my clothes without feeling strangled. and My triglycerides have been 150 for over a year. Which is important. Because I need to be around for my kids, and I'm pretty sure the excuse of " it's too HARD!" would not stand up for them. it's hard. do it anyway. and ignore the numbers.

what love looks like

Over dinner Ivan asked Malachi why he flaps his hands. Malachi didn't answer, or couldn't? I whispered to Ivan that it was part of his autism .. Ivan nodded .. We Asked Chi again why he did it.. Did it feel better? Again he chose not to answer the why - Ivan quietly said " maybe he just doesn't like talking about his feelings" . He said it gently with a knowing look. I said he could be right.. Tonight as they were watching a cartoon I watched Ivan jumping and swinging his arms next to his big brother . That's what love looks like. Love doesn't say " come over here and be like me" love goes right where you are and stands next to you.