getting bigger

having a kid with special needs (or more than one) teaches you a lot of things
i'd venture to say i wasn't a person of that much substance before my kids taught me these things.
one of which is - perspective.

your expectations out of life get very small in a way. will he speak? will he sleep? will he use the toilet?
oh yes. every parent thinks these things, but they don't really mean it because in their heart of hearts they believe these things will happen. not all of us can know these things for sure.

there are days when i actually want to go back to those times when the hardest part of my day was " what does he want?" . yes. even with the tantrums and the staying awake all night-
because it was simple. my day was so simple. my goals were so simple. "what does he need? what does he want? is he safe? " that's it. nothing else. it wasn't ok but it was ok.

no one ever gave me a reason to hope. no one ever could say what would happen or what he would be able to do.
i just chose to hope. i chose to believe a destiny that didn't exist. I willed it into existence.

he speaks. he can use the toilet. he sleeps.

i am afraid every single day. i wake up in the night with a fear gripping me that takes all my breath out.

"what does he need? what does he want? is he safe?"

how do we keep them safe?

every parent worries as their child grows. every parent worries when they start school. and then again when they leave that school to go off to another.  i know it is silly to say i worry more. i worry the most.
but just give this one to me. i'm more worried than you.

thank you thank you thank you for letting me have him. for giving him to me. i'm always so ...relieved  that i had him and no one else did. because no one else could love him the way i do. no one else can read his mind the way i can. no one else knows.

how do i let him go ..OUT THERE in this world when i know what he can and can't do. i never ever admit the "can't" because i know that the only reason he ever could was because i willed it to be so. so i will never tell him my doubts. i will never utter them into the blackness of the quiet still night.