Monday, December 5, 2011

THAT just happened.

i sold a painting, but i couldn't be happy about it because the painting paid for me to have my teeth drilled into this morning. i felt a little bit like what i think it might feel like if you sold an organ and then used the precious money from your GUTS to endure your face being wrecked for a day and that's basically it.

also we are having hard times with our children. i think you call it "parenting" . whatever it is- it sucks.
oh i know you're not supposed to actually admit that. whatever. it's my blog.
the thing is- it would be fine if we didn't have to have them be in school. that's basically where all the problems happen.

example: kid teaches my 7 year old to say F word . he does it , even though he has no idea what it means, and gets in big trouble.
kid teaches 7 year old to stick up his middle finger. he does it. and is then told that that means the F word, and he gets in big trouble AGAIN.
teacher calls our Dr to plead her case that the 7 year old is a monster.
i go to the dr today thinking we will prove that this is utter nonsense and we are not out-of-control it was just circumstances...
what happens?
7 year old and 3 year old get the case of the sillies. i'm talking sillies on an epic level. full-on laughing hysterically, wrestling, rolling on the floor, spitting, ripping paper and general stinker-towns. but the thing is- they aren't being malicious, they seriously can not - for one filthy second stop laughing and control their bodies.
at one point the pediatrician actually holds my 3 year old and gives her a time-out , because she is THAT ridiculous that we can't even have a conversation.
half of me wanted to scream and beat them and the other half wanted to lay down on the ground and start laughing with them.
what ? why? why for the love of all that is holy do they get the super sillies TODAY? when I need to prove to our dr that all this complaining from his teacher is unfounded...and
OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dear lord in heaven. the insanity.
I'm surprised no one wet their pants with all that laughing.
you know the scene in Mary Poppins when they are all up on the ceiling and Mary is clearly PISSED?
if I could have told a story about a dead puppy to get them to come down i would have. at one point i hissed in ivan's ear " i'm serious- you are in such major trouble" and he still could not contain his mirth.

so i have to do the walk of shame out of there...dragging my two hoodlums along with me as all the "good" parents watch ..shaking their heads at us as the two red-cheeked glassy-eyed little varmints just keep right on giggling as they decide to RACE to the elevator . without me.

and then i have to come home. feeling like the most giant failure ON THE PLANET all because - yet again- we did not do what society wanted us to do .
and what happens?
we get home and 7 & 3 year old go into 3 year old's room and sweet as pie play quietly on the floor.
no fighting. no wrestling. no licking. no hysterical laughing.
like normal children.
can i please call all the teachers and drs and have them come to my house NOW? at this very second? because i swear to you i am not crazy. they are not crazy. we just don't belong here.

we get home and i do what i always do when we get back from germ-land (pediatrician's office) I take their clothes off and wash them. then we put on pjs.

after this happens i look around and survey the damage of a night and day without mommy cleaning up after everyone. DISASTER. every single area that can be messy IS. laundry basket overflowing, toys, dirty dishes on the table, carpet cleaner in the middle of the floor. pile of dirt that didn't get swept up yet..don't even get me started on the kitchen..
so what happens?
someone knocks at my door.
and OF COURSE it's Malachi's case worker. YEP. I spaced on our appointment . i can do nothing but let her in and apologize. profusely about the state the house is in. and we are in.
I slide piles of stuff over and we sit at the table. the kids proceed to eat all the granola bars and an entire sleeve of crackers while I talk to her. they know i am powerless to stop them.
in the middle of our meeting my husband wakes up from his nap (yes. at 4pm. yes- he works a weird shift) and comes out of our bedroom WITHOUT HIS PANTS ON. lucky for him she didn't turn around quick enough and he was able to jump back into our bedroom before she caught him in his shorts.

so that happens.
and she leaves and i suddenly remember two things.
A) tomorrow is St Nick's day
B) I didn't make dinner.

Jes picks up chinese. i have not eaten ALL DAY because of my dentist appointment and numb mouth, so i am RAVENOUS. I eat two hot bites and Violet starts screaming.
she has never IN HER LIFE pooped her pants (since she has been potty-trained) so of COURSE she would pick the middle of dinner to poop her pants, get it on her hands and on the floor. And be completely hysterical about it because she's a lady. and ladies DO NOT poop their pants.
so i have to take her to the tub and clean up the floor and all that while my husband and boys eat their dinner.

I am hesitant to push " publish" now for fear it will set off another chain of crazytown events.

tomorrow I get to take Ivan AND Violet to the dentist. Someone WILL lose a tooth. (the dentist- when Ivan kicks her in the face)



  1. When you share these things, people to whom this is normal are relieved to find they're not alone. You are not alone.

  2. oh sugar pie, what is normal? please tell me and i will go there. too bad IT DOESN'T EXIST--that's sort of a problem, isn't it?
    clearly everything needs to be complicated because that is just what the bitch feels like being.
    i love you. so there you go. better? probably not, i know. DAMN IT. HUG. coffee. english muffins. <3