"free advice!" written july 12 2010

catchy title huh? I thought so. because everyone wants advice, and if it's FREE advice- it's even better.

ok guys here is the deal, women are actually not all that complicated. And really we are not trying to confuse you (usually)
so, in the spirit of helping out my fellow man, I am going to give you some totally free honest advice.
You can use this advice in your relationship with your special lady with my blessing.

1. if your wife/girlfriend has recently put on some weight. you are allowed to think she is fat. However you are NOT allowed to SAY it. and you are especially not allowed to say it while LAUGHING and then smack her on the behind

2. if your lovely wife/gf has made you a meal. Do not exclaim " I wish this was ___ instead!" and make *that* face.

3. we don't think farts are funny. pretty much ever.
and when I say " ever" I mean. ... E.VER.

4.REAL REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED: to have someone to kill spiders (or other scary bugs) Open jars. Reach things on the high shelf. "Check what that noise was" while wielding a bat- no matter what time of night it is. Warm up the bed in the winter time. And should you ever (heaven forbid) find yourself face to face with a garbage can of maggots- you will need to take care of this with no help from us. and pretty much any time there is something gross or scary that makes us start a sentence with " you need to take care of that"

if you decide to not carry through with any of the above items, we can not guarantee your spot will remain secure.