Hypervigiliance

https://www.disabilityscoop.com/2009/11/10/autism-moms-stress/6121/

There's this thing that happens when you become a mom, a switch is flipped that enables you to hear your baby before they even cry, to be able to sleep- but still be a second from waking, the ability to read minds, to anticipate needs, wants, moods.. to be able to be continuously 10 steps ahead of your child. It's literally a super power. It's hard to explain, but if you're a mom, you just KNOW what I'm talking about. It's supernatural.
Most parents have this hightened sense through babyhood , but some of the intense hypervigiliance does dissapate some as your child grows, gains skills and independence , they are slowly taking on some of their self off your shoulders.
This does not happen to parents of special needs kids. The hypervigiliance does not end. There is often no day on the horizon that you are waiting for that symbolizes REST.

counseling

"I've been living with autism for 16 years, and it's hard, but there's always something we can DO , there's always a solution... THIS- depression- this I can't do anything about. I can't fix it."

- "and it's not fair."

" no. it's not fair, his life is already hard enough"

- " it shouldn't happen, but it does. co-existing diagnosis happen  ...Kids with autism get brain tumors, and it's like- What.the.fuck."




and that's when I knew I could talk to her. She gets it. she gets it because she understands autism intimately, and she knows that depression in an autistic person is different than it is for others. If you don't understand this, you can't help me.
Autism is a DOING thing, it's a problem-solving, brain-storming, puzzle-building, detective sort of thing. Depression isn't that. there is nothing I can DO, SOLVE, or FIX. I can't brainstorm out of this. I can't analyze it for him, I can't give him a remedy. Depression asks me to do nothing. it asks us to surrender, and just ride a wave. I somehow need to be both these supports at the same time- though they completely contradict each other.  



- " you've been fighting an enemy for a long long time, and suddenly, without warning, a completely new enemy blindsides you and starts attacking  from another angle, and the way you have been fighting for all these years does not work on this new enemy"


"yes."