another red letter day

i decided that this was the year Malachi could handle the information regarding his autism diagnosis.
mostly because I see a lot more awareness on his part this year, much more growth, and I see him hitting a lot of walls. not understanding why he doesn't have friendships the way other kids do..not sure why he can't stop thinking about the same thing(s) over and over.. but I wasn't sure exactly how to go about this process either.
thankfully at just the right moment a special ed teacher came into Malachi's life and asked if she could meet with him weekly to prepare him for the information and also to help him cope with it.
in talking with her i found that her philosophy was very similar to mine and her approach was just an extension of what I have already been telling all our kids, which is that we are all different. We all have our strengths , we are all unique and not one of us is like the other nor are we intended to be, and that we should love everyone . I have also talked about how different people learn in different ways, some people learn well by seeing pictures, others by listening...some of us like being around lots of people, some like to be alone or just with one person at a time. ..
I was thankful to hear the teacher tell me that her goal was to emphasize what Malachi is good at, where his strengths are, and give him ways to cope with the things that come harder. But that over all we wanted to present it to him in a way that was to say this is a learning style, this is something unique about some people and they happened to give that special way of thinking/learning a name. Autism.
we also felt that it made sense to have him "learn" about this in a school setting where he is open to learning new concepts and it was a natural step in the social curriculum he's been doing.

Today I had a meeting at school first thing this morning regarding general progress for malachi at school. This specific teacher was there and I asked her- as I always do- if she had used the " A" word yet. she said she had brought it up last week , but not specifically about Malachi, and was planning to talk about it today.

it has weighed on me heavily all day. feelings of guilt that someone else would be presenting this information. worrying that he might think we are telling him something is WRONG and he would be worried or upset by it. And even worrying that he would not even give it a single thought too.



Tonight as he was getting into bed I asked him if he met with Mrs S. today. He said " yeah"
me: " what did you talk about?"
Malachi: " we read a book about a boy who had (something I can't understand)
me: " ..what? oxygen?"
Malachi: " no, not oxygen...like..inside your brain.."
me: " a boy who has AUTISM?"
Malachi: " YES"
me:" ohh yes. autism. what did you think about the story?"
Malachi: " it was good. I liked it"
me: " did you feel like the story was about you?"
malachi: " well, yes"

we went back and forth a little as he tried (rather sleepily) to ask me/ tell me that autism was a thing..
I felt he was a little confused and I re-explained that Autism is just a name for a certain way some people have of thinking/ learning.
" like you"
I said.
" how do you feel about that?"
Malachi: " good. fine"

he's very sleepy at this point so I just let the conversation wane and brushed the hair out of his eyes as he closed them and started to drift off to sleep.


and thus begins Chapter 4 .

PS I have since received this explanation from his teacher:
" We did read a book called "Taking Autism to School." It was about a boy named Sam who has Autism.

As ideas were presented about Sam that "matched" Malachi, I'd prompt and say something like, "Do you feel frustrated with loud noises?" He would answer "yes".

At the end, I said, "Malachi, do you think you're like Sam? "

Malachi answered, "Yes."

I said, "Do you think you have Autism?"

He answered, "Yes."

There wasn't any emotion with it, so I think the concept still might be a bit abstract for him yet. "

you know how sometimes you listen to a song by accident and you are suddenly in a different time and space ?

the heart is a TIME MACHINE

THAT just happened.

i sold a painting, but i couldn't be happy about it because the painting paid for me to have my teeth drilled into this morning. i felt a little bit like what i think it might feel like if you sold an organ and then used the precious money from your GUTS to endure your face being wrecked for a day and that's basically it.

also we are having hard times with our children. i think you call it "parenting" . whatever it is- it sucks.
oh i know you're not supposed to actually admit that. whatever. it's my blog.
the thing is- it would be fine if we didn't have to have them be in school. that's basically where all the problems happen.

example: kid teaches my 7 year old to say F word . he does it , even though he has no idea what it means, and gets in big trouble.
kid teaches 7 year old to stick up his middle finger. he does it. and is then told that that means the F word, and he gets in big trouble AGAIN.
teacher calls our Dr to plead her case that the 7 year old is a monster.
i go to the dr today thinking we will prove that this is utter nonsense and we are not out-of-control it was just circumstances...
what happens?
7 year old and 3 year old get the case of the sillies. i'm talking sillies on an epic level. full-on laughing hysterically, wrestling, rolling on the floor, spitting, ripping paper and general stinker-towns. but the thing is- they aren't being malicious, they seriously can not - for one filthy second stop laughing and control their bodies.
at one point the pediatrician actually holds my 3 year old and gives her a time-out , because she is THAT ridiculous that we can't even have a conversation.
half of me wanted to scream and beat them and the other half wanted to lay down on the ground and start laughing with them.
what ? why? why for the love of all that is holy do they get the super sillies TODAY? when I need to prove to our dr that all this complaining from his teacher is unfounded...and
OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dear lord in heaven. the insanity.
I'm surprised no one wet their pants with all that laughing.
you know the scene in Mary Poppins when they are all up on the ceiling and Mary is clearly PISSED?
if I could have told a story about a dead puppy to get them to come down i would have. at one point i hissed in ivan's ear " i'm serious- you are in such major trouble" and he still could not contain his mirth.

so i have to do the walk of shame out of there...dragging my two hoodlums along with me as all the "good" parents watch ..shaking their heads at us as the two red-cheeked glassy-eyed little varmints just keep right on giggling as they decide to RACE to the elevator . without me.

and then i have to come home. feeling like the most giant failure ON THE PLANET all because - yet again- we did not do what society wanted us to do .
and what happens?
we get home and 7 & 3 year old go into 3 year old's room and sweet as pie play quietly on the floor.
no fighting. no wrestling. no licking. no hysterical laughing.
nope.
playing.
like normal children.
can i please call all the teachers and drs and have them come to my house NOW? at this very second? because i swear to you i am not crazy. they are not crazy. we just don't belong here.

we get home and i do what i always do when we get back from germ-land (pediatrician's office) I take their clothes off and wash them. then we put on pjs.

after this happens i look around and survey the damage of a night and day without mommy cleaning up after everyone. DISASTER. every single area that can be messy IS. laundry basket overflowing, toys, dirty dishes on the table, carpet cleaner in the middle of the floor. pile of dirt that didn't get swept up yet..don't even get me started on the kitchen..
so what happens?
someone knocks at my door.
and OF COURSE it's Malachi's case worker. YEP. I spaced on our appointment . i can do nothing but let her in and apologize. profusely about the state the house is in. and we are in.
I slide piles of stuff over and we sit at the table. the kids proceed to eat all the granola bars and an entire sleeve of crackers while I talk to her. they know i am powerless to stop them.
in the middle of our meeting my husband wakes up from his nap (yes. at 4pm. yes- he works a weird shift) and comes out of our bedroom WITHOUT HIS PANTS ON. lucky for him she didn't turn around quick enough and he was able to jump back into our bedroom before she caught him in his shorts.

so that happens.
and she leaves and i suddenly remember two things.
A) tomorrow is St Nick's day
B) I didn't make dinner.

Jes picks up chinese. i have not eaten ALL DAY because of my dentist appointment and numb mouth, so i am RAVENOUS. I eat two hot bites and Violet starts screaming.
she has never IN HER LIFE pooped her pants (since she has been potty-trained) so of COURSE she would pick the middle of dinner to poop her pants, get it on her hands and on the floor. And be completely hysterical about it because she's a lady. and ladies DO NOT poop their pants.
so i have to take her to the tub and clean up the floor and all that while my husband and boys eat their dinner.

I am hesitant to push " publish" now for fear it will set off another chain of crazytown events.

PS
tomorrow I get to take Ivan AND Violet to the dentist. Someone WILL lose a tooth. (the dentist- when Ivan kicks her in the face)

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

little prince quote

"For millions of years flowers have been producing thorns. For millions of years sheep have been eating them all the same. And it's not serious, trying to understand why flowers go to such trouble produce thorns that are good for nothing? It's not important, the war between the sheep and the flowers?... Suppose I happen to know a unique flower, one that exists nowhere in the world except on my planet, one that a little sheep can wipe out in a single bite one morning, just like that, even without realizing what he's doing - that isn't important? If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, 'My flower's up there somewhere...' But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him it's as if, suddenly, all the stars went out. And that isn't important?'" ~ the little prince


I feel personal about this quote , maybe because one of the names I go by amongst friends is " flower"

now, now. (St. vincent)

I'm not your mother's favorite dog
I'm not the carpet you walk on
I'm not one small atomic bomb
I'm not anything at all

I'm not the feather at your feet
I'm not your yellow brick street
I'm not anyone you'll see
I'm not anything

Now, now now, now now, now

You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that I'll make you sorry

I'm not the pawn to your king
I'm not your world on a string
I'm not anyone you'll beat
I'm not anything

Now, now now, now now, now

You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that I'll make you sorry

school.( in defense of public school for a change)

it's a touchy subject between mommies.
why?

it's not an easy decision. who will teach your child? as mothers and fathers we know that we are the primary teachers of life to our children. we are where they first learn most everything. from love and relationships to self-discipline..well , list is long.
But then it comes to the academics and we have to decide if we will put the in a school or continue to teach them that at home as well. We are lucky and blessed we have that choice.

as a parent our job is to KNOW our kids. they aren't just kids. they are people. who they are is there from day one. their needs and learning style and ideas are unique to them and that should be viewed as valid and real. it's our job to learn them. who they are.

what's frustrating to me is when people's personal choice of how to school their individual kid- who is different from everyone else on this planet- becomes the " rule" or the BEST choice across the board.

I know a lot of homeschoolers. And I myself was homeschooled, so I know that it's not the easy choice by any means . Lately the trend of homeschooling is on the rise so there is a lot of information and attention being given to it. And it is time for people to understand it and see it as a real option available to them. It's wonderful that it is becoming mainstream enough that it's no longer a strange "weird" thing to do. I'm happy to see it being treated as a valid form of education .
(and I hate to say " but") ....
But, I think some homeschooling families feel they need to defend their choice, and in doing so there seems to be a lot of judgement being thrown at non-homeschooling families. Perhaps it's just from where I sit?
Homeschooling is not easy. it is a sacrifice in many ways, but just because it is a sacrifice does not automatically mean it's the better choice for everyone. nor does it mean that the parent who puts their kid into a public or private school is NOT making a sacrifice. In fact , there are many times when the parent who decides to put their child into a public school is making the hardest sacrifice they have ever had to face

As a parent of TWO children with *special needs, the hardest thing in the entire world for me is to place them into someone else's hands. into their care, away from my control. my protection.

But when you have a kid with needs above and beyond the average kid, the truth is- you need a city to help you raise this child. You can not do it alone. - no- not that you CAN'T, but you shouldn't have to. why? because this kid needs all you can give and more. So what happens when you don't have more?

would my kids be ok if I kept them home with me? would they be safe and happy? would they be protected and could I control what they heard and learned and could I save them from mean words and judging looks?

don't think for one second that is not the most tempting thing in the world for me .

But at some point, you need to swallow your pride. swallow it hard. and ask yourself - for real- what is best for my child?

I'll say it again-

"WHAT IS BEST FOR MY CHILD?"

notice I did not say " what is best for ME?" or " what would make me feel best?"

so get over yourself for a minute.

when you really ask what is best for your child- not for YOU, you can finally figure out if you need to teach them at home, or put them into a school.

The truth is for US, that school is able to provide a different kind of structure and social situation that I can never provide. When you have a kid who needs to be taught social cues, he needs to learn how to be IN this world- he needs to learn more than just what books can teach us. He needs to learn standing in line, or how to tune out lots of voices, or to understand a judging " look". he needs to understand that his needs don't always come first. He needs to know what it feels like to be misunderstood, or pushed beyond what he thinks, or what *I* think he's actually capable of.
so there's that- but there's also this-

I can't afford a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, I can't be structured enough. no matter how much try. I can't hire someone to come work with my son weekly to talk about what it means to be autistic. To teach him what is going on inside his brain and why the things that are hard for him are there and why the things that are brilliant about him are there.

When you have a child with a disability- or a special need- you need more than what you can give.
That's hard. I know that's a hard pill to swallow because as a parent you want to think you are enough. Guess what? you're not. Not if you want to give them every single possible help and advantage available. and you do. I know you do.

There are many reasons to gripe about the public school system. I understand that. No one will ever do it perfectly. People will fail us. school will fail us because there are people there. humans. we don't always know the best way. But when it comes down to it, I am being honest with myself about my kid's needs and my strengths and weaknesses and what I can give. and if it's not enough then I will swallow my pride and ask for help, because it's not about me.
and it's not about you . it's about them.
this is your job- not to control everything that comes into your child's world, but to help them be strong enough to be out there in it.

The one thing I've learned about having a child with autism, is that every family is different (seems obvious doesn't it?) What I mean is, I am less judgmental of how other families do it . Because I understand now that no matter how much you plan,or how strong your ideas are about parenting or schooling .. You don't know anything until you've met your child.






*Ifind that phrase a little funny...don't we all have " special needs" ?

September is coming to a close

Departing summer hath assumed
An aspect tenderly illumed,
The gentlest look of spring;
That calls from yonder leafy shade
Unfaded, yet prepared to fade,
A timely carolling.
- William Wordsworth, September