Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
i just freaked out and ate a piece of chocolate cake
it doesn't matter why. i mean- it does. but it doesn't matter to you. so never mind about that.
ok- yes. it might have something to do with that book over there - the one that I worked really hard on but the paint threatens to peel off of when you turn the pages. yes.
or it could be The List that the book sits upon that I am pretending to ignore- but can't. and yes...it could be you. or you. but I won't burden you with that. and yes. it could very well be THAT..and it could also be THIS. so then i slipped in my red socks and bumped Violet's watercolors spilling the painty water cup onto my pajamaed leg and the water ran precariously close the the plugged-in hair dryer. yes. it is in my studio. on the floor. because i'm working dammmit! i'm working on all these things that no one will even care about but i can't seem to keep myself from creating them. yes. it could be a lot about that.
it also could be because i'm supposed to be doing things and being places and i'm not.
it could be the thing i didn't pick up at the place yet. or the calories i did not yet burn on the treadmill where i have not yet dripped my sweat on. i will. i will.
i will after i do that. and this. and make that. and finish that. and fill out the boxes with the words and empty the coffee grounds and fold all that laundry and decide this and that. and punch myself in the face for not doing any of that and instead doing this.
not THIS- as in typing this- but THIS..this. this this this this.
and that's why.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
for Lindsey~ on the occasion of your 25th birthday 3-28-11
your birth was the most life-changing thing to happen in my childhood.
i didn't know what it was going to mean. who you were going to be to me, or who I would be to you.
there is so much of it i'd like to go back to , now that i know.
i loved you as much as any sister could love another. but i never knew you'd end up being one of my closest friends too.
i love you more than i could ever put into silly words. i want all good things for you . i admire you and i am fascinated by you and i am proud of you. for everything.
and i'm also so blessed and thankful for what you are for me. thank you for being there for me
"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.."
~Barbara Alpert
i didn't know what it was going to mean. who you were going to be to me, or who I would be to you.
there is so much of it i'd like to go back to , now that i know.
i loved you as much as any sister could love another. but i never knew you'd end up being one of my closest friends too.
i love you more than i could ever put into silly words. i want all good things for you . i admire you and i am fascinated by you and i am proud of you. for everything.
and i'm also so blessed and thankful for what you are for me. thank you for being there for me
"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.."
~Barbara Alpert
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
autism : 1 . Us: 0
well THAT just happened.
great day. the only email from school was a little note saying the boys were doing great.
drive home on the bus clearly was NOT great. Ivan was too noisy. Malachi wants him to follow the rules, so when he doesn't, Malachi can't cope. which is why we have an aide on the bus.
She needs to be fired.
Ivan was noisy , so Malachi hit him.
so the bus pulls up, Malachi runs off the bus- in "flight or flight" because he knew he did the wrong thing by hitting, afraid of me knowing - he runs into the house and locks the door.
Violet and Malachi are inside.
Ivan and I are outside.
Malachi is in crazy-mode
I try the back door- locked.
the driver stays with the bus idling watching me run back and forth while Ivan screams and pounds the door. She watches as I stand in my rain boots and t-shirt in the snow shivering while I try to coach the 2 year old how to turn the lock on the old wonky screen door.
the bus driver offers me her cell . I call my mom who is in the grocery store. I tell her to come when she's done (even though I know she does not have a key). it satisfies the driver and she finally drives off.
I wait until the bus is out of sight I kick the old door until it breaks and falls apart
reach in and open the lock.
I wish I could say it was the first time he's locked me out.
felt good to kick the shit out of something anyway.
great day. the only email from school was a little note saying the boys were doing great.
drive home on the bus clearly was NOT great. Ivan was too noisy. Malachi wants him to follow the rules, so when he doesn't, Malachi can't cope. which is why we have an aide on the bus.
She needs to be fired.
Ivan was noisy , so Malachi hit him.
so the bus pulls up, Malachi runs off the bus- in "flight or flight" because he knew he did the wrong thing by hitting, afraid of me knowing - he runs into the house and locks the door.
Violet and Malachi are inside.
Ivan and I are outside.
Malachi is in crazy-mode
I try the back door- locked.
the driver stays with the bus idling watching me run back and forth while Ivan screams and pounds the door. She watches as I stand in my rain boots and t-shirt in the snow shivering while I try to coach the 2 year old how to turn the lock on the old wonky screen door.
the bus driver offers me her cell . I call my mom who is in the grocery store. I tell her to come when she's done (even though I know she does not have a key). it satisfies the driver and she finally drives off.
I wait until the bus is out of sight I kick the old door until it breaks and falls apart
reach in and open the lock.
I wish I could say it was the first time he's locked me out.
felt good to kick the shit out of something anyway.
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