bullies

today, at a school playground i watched 5 boys bully another boy. they were all between 12 and 13 years old. the victim was riding his bike in circles on the pavement of the playground and the other boys gathered near to shout insults at him. the boy just kept riding his bike, ignoring them. But the insults got worse and the boys got braver and braver...kicking at his tires trying to knock him off, yelling at him..gesturing.. it was like watching wild kingdom and the boy on the bike was a gazelle and the other boys were lions circling around him..closer...and closer finally i thought they were actually backing off, but to my horror they were spreading out and hiding in wait for him . I started to become really concerned that they were actually going to physically attack this kid. when he got near enough to me I called him over and said " are they bothering you?" and this kid, 12 years old couldn't even look me in the eye because he was about to cry, he just nodded. I told him he needed to tell his parents about this. that they needed to know WHO these kids were.I also suggested that if he's outnumbered and there are no adults he needed to get out of there (in the future) he nodded...unable to look at me or answer me.. so heartbreaking. " bullies are liars. people who say mean things act that way because they feel bad about themselves. don't listen to them. don't believe it. it's not true." I said. is that true? ARE bullies miserable? maybe they actually love themselves. maybe they have crazy amounts of confidence and they love being them. how would i know? but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. i kept one eye on the bullies as they waited for their next chance at him, and one eye on my own kids. the last straw was when I saw them crouched down behind a hill getting ready to pounce. I walked straight at them - they saw me coming and started to walk away. I yelled after them " YOU GUYS NEED TO GO HOME. NOW! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL EVERY ONE OF YOUR PARENTS! I MEAN IT!" " ok ok.." i heard them muttering as they started to walk away. they didn't leave. they just waited at a safe distance. When I started to leave with my kids they were walking back over. I intercepted them on the sidewalk and looked right at Big Bully #1's pimpled face. " Listen" I said - " you don't treat a friend like that-" friend?" the kid scoffed . "- friend or ANY person " I continued " one day someone's going to treat you like a piece of shit and you will remember this day. you hear me? don't do it. don't start bullying now. Be better than that. DO BETTER" the kids were trying to pretend they hadn't done anything and I said " i. heard. you. I heard ALL of you. " they left. I have no idea what I should have done. Probably not have said " shit" to a group of 12 year olds. I just couldn't stand it. You hope all that bully talk at school and all the public service announcements are an exaggeration. You think it doesn't REALLY happen. And then you see this. right in front of an adult. 5 against 1. it's every mommy's worst nightmare. kids are so cruel. how do they become that way? we got in the car and my kids were just staring at me with big eyes. I said " we stand up for kids when they are being bullied. ALWAYS. The end!"

five minutes in cleveland

i can't imagine flying ever NOT feeling like I'm in a sci-fi movie. it just shouldn't actually be possible in real life . And airports are super weird. -side note- in case you're wondering free wifi is a thing of the past, so don't count on it. I kept trying to get on and checking random addresses that popped up..i finally gave up after I saw one called " the clapp". I know it's just an address, but I just couldn't bring myself to willingly choose The Clapp. It's also fun to people-watch. there are some serious weirdos at the airport. I saw one man wearing a velvet top hat. I told tara about it,assuming he was amish , but she said no way- God would never allow velvet, it's too extravagant. Extravagance= sin. And she said it with such confidence that I believe her. I borrowed a book from my sister to keep me distracted from the fact that I was about to shoot through the sky in a metal tube- and hopefully- not die in a ball of fire. I almost brought Shakespeare but opted for a comedian instead. it worked- however it worked tooo well and I busted out laughing out loud twice. No one thought it was funny. I never know the etiquette for airplanes when you're flying alone. Someone will no doubt come and sit next to you - and then what? part of me is hoping " please talk to me! I'm flying alone!" and as soon as they do I think " please don't talk to me! I'm flying alone!" it's tricky. So a woman sits next to me and she talks to me- out of obligation. Asks me where I'm going and then doesn't say a word after that. Instead she opened a giant chocolate lolipop and ate it. I think this is a strange choice for an airplane snack food. first of all, I didn't think anyone actually ate those. I thought they were just some " cute" thing some people handed out at their wedding but you didn't actually EAT Them. then again, I have very high chocolate standards. so she ate it. and I tried really hard not to look at her legs. They were orange. like - crayon-orange. it was very disturbing. I was hoping it was fake-tanner but I think she just actually really was THAT sun-damaged. I kept looking from her legs (orange) to mine (white) orange...white..orange..white...and then I started thinking about oompah-loompahs and that's a slippery slope. You know another bad airplane snack? BURRITOS. Someone actually brought a burrito on the plane. it was a very small plane, so in about 15 seconds the plane smelled exactly like the kitchen in taco bell. NOT good when you have a nervous stomach. Also not good for nervous stomach is when the plane is about the size of a matchbox car. When we started our decent the plane turned on it's side. I'm talking literally. My face was almost pressed against the window as I prayed that I would not throw up. Then we landed in cleveland ohio. I didn't really want to go to ohio but they have this weird thing where if you choose the flight that will take you to where you actually want to go they will charge you an insane amount. But if you choose a random state that you have actually no desire to go to they will cut you a break. So suddenly I'm in Ohio- well - as " in" it as you can be when you land and then take off again for someplace else. all I could think of was the boy who I had my first kiss with. He was from Ohio. He was really nice. He used to write me lots and lots of letters..until one day they stopped abruptly when his dad started working for the CIA and they had to move in the dead of night and cut off all contact with friends and family. (At least that is the only reasonable explanation I have every been able to come up with). Well Hello ! and Goodbye! Ohio! I almost threw up in you! but I toughed it out.

aging

Everything about this landscape changes, seemingly on a daily basis. I do not know it. No map can ever trace me back .. Save for the feeling of my tongue against the smooth cloud of the back of my bottom lip- where I am eight years old.

birthdays

every year I hope someone will send me a giant bouquet of paint brushes .

but they never do.

"the shared palette" exhibit

http://www.onmilwaukee.com/family/articles/malachipaints.html

fast forward two years..
we're still painting! and Malachi has his first ever art exhibit! " the shared palette" is an exhibit featuring parents & their children's artwork. our art center here in town (The Windhover) is hosting this unique exhibit through March 9th 2012. This friday night (2-17-12) from 5-8 Malachi and I will be there during fond du lac's "tour the town" art walk.
I hope we get to see you there!

"reach for the stars" by Malachi & Nina Schmidt

2-4-12 Malachi is starting to understand how autism affects his life

Malachi does this thing where he slides his mattress over so he can sleep between it and the wall in like a crack space. I get it- it's a sensory thing where he wants to feel pressed in to relax. ..but it always bums me out because he ends up pushing the mattress off the bunk bed and it's either half hanging off the bed OR totally on the floor the next day and I have to try to shove it back on the bunk and then you know how you always bang your head when you are making up the lower bed of a bunk bed?
so I get cranky about it- and he knows it.
So last night he preemptively explains his sleeping arrangement before I can complain saying
" listen! I like to sleep differently! everyone's different! it's because of my Autism!"
Of course he can't pronounce that word so every time he brings it up it takes me about 5 times before I know what the heck he's trying to say.
Eventually I say " your AUTISM?!" and he says " YES!!! THAT'S why I like to sleep differently!"
He seems totally annoyed by my ignorance and says " DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT AUTISM?!"
I say " yes- i know about autism. I knew about that a long time ago actually.."
he's already covering his head up in his blanket cocoon and is obviously really sleepy
I say " you know- I don't mind that you have Autism"
from somewhere under the blanket he mumbles " Yes I know"
then I say " ..I think you're a cool kid"
" yes! I know! can't you see I need to sleep? I need my rest!!"

:)

afraid.

don't have children.

can you believe i just said that? my kids are my LIFE! they bring me endless endless joy and love and just incredible wonderful magicalness .. my kids bring me purpose and in many ways I'm indebted to them. I owe my kids more than they will ever owe me. I happily spend all my days repaying them for everything they have brought into my life.
Malachi in particular has helped me to become myself in more ways than almost anyone else in my life. Malachi made me brave.

I would not take back one. single. second.

and even with all that...
I say - don't do it. just don't . If you are lucky enough to find that one person whom your soul loves in this world. Hold on to that person. have a life with them and hold on tight and just stay together and brave this life.

And if you absolutely must have a small wonderful baby..oh please...go rescue one from somewhere where it is not wanted.


I know this sounds negative and horrible even..but no one tells you the truth about having children.
it's terrifying.
things go wrong.
they get sick. Not like sniffles- but really sick. Like terrifying you'd rip out your own organs to trade places with them kind of sick.
you try to protect them and you never truly can

today I talked to malachi's teacher about middle school...and adulthood...the phrase " group home" was uttered.
I lay awake at night and wonder who will take care of him. What happens if we die before him?

I know no one can predict anything. I understand that things will somehow work out. I know that he has a purpose in life and he's brought so much to everyone that knows him. I know all these things
I'm not asking advice
I'm not asking for someone to make me feel better

I'm just telling you
I'm terrified
and my heart is constantly breaking.

I don't know how to keep them all safe. And no one understands.