"A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands;
How could I answer the child? I do not know what it is, any more than he.

I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful green stuff woven.

Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,
A scented gift and remembrancer, designedly dropt,
Bearing the owner’s name someway in the corners, that we may see and remark, and say, Whose?"

~walt whitman, leaves of grass

in response to the article "the reporter" ran

this is the article the paper ran:

http://www.wisinfo.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2011110814024

this is what it SHOULD have said:

Explaining what is behind my paintings is deeply personal . i hesitate to tell too much of the story behind each piece because i want it to resonate with people as part of their own story not mine.

i've been painting professionally for 15 years, and while i love the challenge of creating custom pieces for people and collaborating with them in that process..
but it's the pieces I do for myself that are the most precious to me, and when someone else connects to those pieces it is always the most overwhelming and amazing feeling.
to do a solo show like this allowed me to paint solely for myself without a client in mind or any goal other than the working out of my own story
which is a very liberating wonderful thing, and also extremely terrifying! But I think allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your art is what draws others to it. People relate to that

I approach a series of paintings as an opportunity to tell a story. Which means I often paint the whole series in a marathon frenzy. this exhibit has 32 paintings in it and 21 of those were painted in 30 days time. I prefer to work that way , it's the same way a writer waits for inspiration and then locks themselves away until they get it all down on paper.
I really wanted to be honest with myself with this series. Shadow of the moon was inspired by something that tends to be a bit of a taboo subject for a lot of women. Isolation. I was really not intending to make that aspect of this story public..but in a conversation with a close friend, I was revealing a bit of what was behind some of these paintings and she encouraged me to share it openly because it's something that woman are often afraid to admit, we think if we talk about it it implies we are unhappy in our choices or regret the path we are on, and I don't think that's necessarily the case. there are many seasons in life, when you get married and have children you know you will be busy, but you never anticipate the level of isolation that can still come even during such a busy season of life.
My husband and I have three children. ages 9,7 and 3. Our oldest is Autistic which has obviously added another level of "busy" to our life. It's not something we were very open about initially because we do not want it to overshadow who he is or focus on any negatives. But it is a big part of our life and it is a challenge .It is often easier to stay home and not put our family " out there" . it's hard for us to make the time to pursue our hobbies or even time alone. for the first few years I really put my art on the back-burner and didn't feel like I could give my energy to that AND my children.I went through a time when I really questioned if pursuing painting was a valid endeavor. And it occurred to me that there is unnecessary beauty in the world. God did not have to make it that way..he is an artist. It was a beautiful moment and sort of gave me that permission I was looking for. Painting is a passion and a way for me to pay homage to all that beauty around us.
I got to a point when I decided that it was a positive thing to show them that pursuing something you love is important. Instead of building my studio in the basement as we originally planned I took over our small sunroom so that I could create and still be accessible to them and also to let them be involved as well. All of the kids are very interested in art and often paint along side of me. But so far our oldest Malachi seems to be the most interested in being an artist. He is very talented and paints on his own, but also collaborates with me on paintings which has been a really special process and we both really enjoy it.
there are many seasons in life. I'm trying to be fully present in each one as they come, and learning that even though your journey is your own, you are not as alone as you think you are. What a beautiful thing

surprising generosity

this one time i was complaining on facebook about how i don't have a decent easel.
i have been using this old children's easel that is actually a chalkboard. it didn't even have a place to rest a canvas so I screwed a leftover chunk of wood to it from some broken something or other.

Then the other day the bottom piece broke and fell out, so it's quite precarious..might crumble any day.

It's also not big enough, so I put a piece of peg board on it to try to find more space for hanging things I'm working on.

I also bought this tiny umbrella one,

but found out quickly that it falls down constantly and is always crooked no matter how many times I adjust it. *sigh*

so my friend Kris said he could totally make me an easel. fantastic! but we didn't talk out the details yet...

so last night, Kris comes to my opening night of my exhibit and what does he bring me? the most kick-ass easel you have every laid eyes on.

I would have been happy with three barn boards nailed together. But no. he made THIS:

I can not even get over this amazing gift . I just keep staring at it. I don't even want to get paint on it it's so blasted beautiful
the pictures do NOT do it justice. it's incredible

shadow of the moon ~ opening night

i don't even have words really.
i was afraid no one would come and you all blew me away! so overwhelming to hear such heartfelt responses to my paintings. it's indescribable to put something so precious to your heart "out there" and have people connect to it.

I am humbled and lifted up all in one fell swoop!

dress up

today i will take my little sister

i will watch as she puts on her pretty wedding dress and stands and looks in the mirror.

i will hold her little veil on her head - just so.

i will stand back and admire her

her beauty

her youth

her hope

her joy

her love

her *being* loved


and i can't help but remember her the age my daughter is now. small and sweet with her tiny lips and big brown eyes while i dress her up like my little dolly

no such time.

people always told me " you'll know when the time is right"

or maybe you won't. maybe you won't know the right time, OR the right words, but suddenly there you are. and you don't feel you have any other choice.



tonight i took my boys to see the fireworks from my sister's front lawn.

shortly after getting there malachi started demanding Ivan play pretend with him. they always pretend to play whatever they are currently into, right now it means " angry birds" that silly game everyone has on their computers and IPODS
Generally Ivan loves to coach Malachi along in his pretend -escapades. But tonight...tonight he had REAL playmates. His cousins and two other fun little boys his age. Ivan really wanted to play REAL games..not just cater to Malachi.
Suddenly Malachi is screaming and bossing Ivan, commanding him to play with him. And Ivan? Ivan starts weeping. WEEPING. And when pressed- what does he say " I don't know what to do!!!!"
and you know why? because he didn't WANT to play with Malachi. He wanted to play with his peers. But he felt GUILT. guilt for not playing the way his brother was demanding him to play. Guilt for not WANTING to be with Malachi and cater to him.
he SOBBED . my boy just sobbed and sobbed. He wouldn't play with malachi, but now he could not even play with his peers because he was so beside himself with grief over his situation.

and I realized-
there's never a good time dammit.


So I walked my sobbing 7 year old boy to the van. and I said " Ivan. I need to talk to you. Malachi is not like the other kids. Remember how we talked about everyone being different? and some people's brains do things and think things differently than others? " Ivan interrupted and said " yes! I KNOW.." and tried to walk away, so I said " No. Ivan, I need you to understand. Malachi has an autistic brain. Ivan. Malachi has autism. And he's not trying to make you feel bad. He just doesn't know how to play with the other kids. He doesn't understand. "
Ivan just stood there. defensive angry scowl set on his face and said " I don't want to talk anymore- can I go now!"
and I said " Ivan. I need you to hear me. This is not your fault. You do not have to play the game with malachi right now. You can play with your friends and you don't have to take care of Malachi. *I* will take care of Malachi. Ok? you don't have to worry about him"
his lip started to tremble. and he swallowed hard and nodded his head. relief. mom will do it.
mom will take care of him. I can play.

and he ran off to join his friends.

I went back and sat next to malachi. Looked up at the fireworks and said " this one is for you" and we watched it explode in the sky.

bee's knees and elbows in wasp's nests

the woman in the blue car in front of me decided to brush her hair. it must have been quite a mess because she need BOTH hands for the job. I watch as one hand held a clump and the other tried to brush through it. the ENTIRE way down Johnson street. stop & go lights...over the bridge..all the while both hands off the steering wheel attending to what seems to be the most snarled head of hair that ever was. How does one's hair even get that matted? did she just get off a motorcycle? lose a bubble gum blowing contest - in the wind?
I continue to follow her all the way down johnson and then all the way down park ave. The entire time..both hands in her hair, eyes in the rear view mirror.
I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed. that lady has some talented knees.

I never understand how people can drive with their knees. I have never even considered trying to master that. I guess I just don't really feel motivated to work on a skill that could possibly end up killing me in the process.
it's like people who can ride a bike with no hands.just riding along without using the handlebars? why? obviously you're trying to show off. get a unicycle hot stuff!
I could never do it. I'd jack-knife that bike faster than you can say " elbow cast" .
of course I've never been that good at riding bikes anyway. I didn't learn until the 3rd grade. it was such a huge source of humiliation and shame for me. I remember being at a friend's house and trying to make up excuses for why we shouldn't ride bikes...
I still don't feel comfortable on one. There are too many cars around! where am I supposed to ride? what are the rules about turning? who invented those torturous seats?

it's a wonder anyone gets anywhere at all.