Friday, February 8, 2013
it's just that no one ever plans on being the sick one. and this one time a long time ago i was really really sick. scary sick. and no one every could figure out why. that was maybe the scariest part..feeling like no one had the answers also made me feel like maybe i wasn't safe. and all that resulted in having to eat a special diet and always wonder if i was ok and having everyone think of me and look at me like..well, like the sick one. i hated it. it became part of my identity which is just stupid and wrong and miserable. and eventually i stopped being the sick one and i felt like i had taken back that part of my identity..like i had won out over it . and then 4 years ago i start having problems...just this weird skin rash that you know- fine- it's just a rash right? get over it. but no. one you are the sick one you never look at mystery symptoms the same again. "just a rash" 15 years ago maybe, but post-sickness...no. everything is anxiety-inducing. and so ok, i find out about an allergy and ok, i can handle that, but then i had this really crazy reaction to medication and that's just a whole crazy thing. i mean, medication is the thing you put blind trust in. you are in pain, you go to the hospital, they give you things and you don't ask- you accept that they know what to do and you are safe and it will make it better. you do not ever think "this medication wants to kill me" until it tries to, and after THAT ...well what else wants to kill me? and so today it wasn't really that this sinus infection is so terrible..i think i just needed someone to help me. i don't know how. and i told him about it and i told him how now i'm worried about these other allergies and ..you know what? he said that the symptoms i have been having lately could actually be ..panic. yeah. like i'm so scared now that my body is actually freaking out. and that sort of makes sense. i have been so anxious ever since the reaction ..and i guess that's because when you're in the er again then you remember that you are still the sick one and that happy time was a lie , just a mask , and here we are again and nothing is safe and no one actually has answers or your best interest in mind. and so ..yeah. i'm anxious. like- more than my normal anxious. maybe because no one has my back. maybe because i don't know who or what substances to trust anymore. maybe it's not anything to do with this at all. but just saying some things out loud and having him hear me ..i actually think that might have mattered. and then what is up with that? the never saying things out loud part? the sick tends to rob you of things.